25 July 2014

secrets

A more "playful" way to pretty much explain what I talked about in the last article. Well, more playful indeed. Also, the song AND the singer are fucking wonderful and like if there ever was a song that described me, this would be it. Can't not love it.

Plus, the lyric video (since the music video is not out yet) is pretty and colorful and I fell in love with it the first time I saw it. If I ever was to create audiovisual content (sounds weird from someone studying film school, but I never wanted to make movies, I wanted to write the screenplays for THEATRE and take photos), I would love it to be something similar to this.

See ya.


24 July 2014

clown

I'll be your clown behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh 'cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me




Warning: this article is not supposed to, but let's be honest, will, make the readers feel miserable as fuck. Read (and comment) at your own risk. I'll make it short and hard to understand anyway.

tumblr_moyijwUxWX1riae2mo1_500.gif (500×253)

A year ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and complicated depression. Which pretty much means that the last time I went to the manic stage was November 2013. I've been insomniac. Suicidal. Constantly sad. Having panic attacks four times a week. Crying myself to sleep. For eight months now. It gets better every, like, three weeks. Then I feel okay for a few days only for it to return stronger. And worse. And more painful. With more anti-depressive pills.

I have been making myself focus on other things so I wouldn't think about it. So I wouldn't think about being fucked up like this. So I wouldn't think about how fucking much I hate myself. Even if there is this tiny part of my brain telling me it's the disorder talking, It's not just that. A disorder can't  make you hate myself with such a passion. Being bullied for nine years straight, fucking things up and rejected by the people around will. 

Not even talking about the fact that I'm a queer person, and however I tried to accept that in myself or at least pretend to be okay with the fact that at least half of my family will hate me if they ever find out, I am not okay. Ninety eight percent of the time I just feel like I don't deserve to live, like my pure existence is wrong. Because that's what I have been told since I was a child. That being gay is wrong.

And frankly, it just makes the depression a lot worse. I haven't been sleeping for two weeks now. Well, not counting the three times I was so drained I just blacked out and the one time I cried myself to sleep.

And my shrink is not anywhere near and I can't call her since she's volunteering in Africa the whole summer. So I just felt like putting it here would help me get it over with for now so I could at lest sleep for some time without feeling like I never wanted to wake up. Hoping it would help me not to break into a panic attack in front of my sister and cousin.

I just don't know what is happening to me.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

The room is spinning and my hands are shaking.

And I need someone to stop it but there isn't anyone to do so.

18 July 2014

freelensing attempts vol. #3

Someone tell me why I like this photo.

Leaving for my grandparents' on Sunday. I have to book a bus ticket since I positively can't stand it there for more than a week. Going out with Ruu on Tuesday (SOOOOOOO EXCITEEEEEED), eyeyey <3 Also maybe seeing Tess there, we were planning on celebrating her birthday, but she's not staying for so long. Otherwise, no big news, spending most of my times learning Italian and all. Took a few photos today. Nothing extra though, I almost melted on the sun and had to go back inside as quick as possible and my camera has some problems with freelensing inside, so... sorry. 

Still, enjoy the photos. Also, no article separator today. The article is WAY too short for that.
PS: The music is "Zeppelin" by the wonderfully talented Eli Lieb.

15 July 2014

new morning



Buon girono!

Yup, I'm back from Italy. I wish I could have spent more time there. I'm thinking that maybe next year I'll just find some random person on couchsurfing and spend more time there. I'd love to visit Rome and Venice. Also, since my love for Italy and Italian... well, everything from food to people to language has reached Ruu's love for Swedish, I started taking Italian course on Duolingo today. Seriously, I have been there like five or six times and all that I am able to say in italian is "buon giorno"/"ciao", "buona notte", "grazie" and the few things Assassin's Creed II taught me (very useful phrases like "requiescat in pace", haha). So, I decided to put a stop to it and actually learn the language. And I'm SO EXCITED!

#skyporn

Anyway, the week in Calabria... plenty hot, although it rained a little, which is really uncommon, as well as the stormy nature of the sea we experienced most of the week. Also, new people and all, currently chatting with one of them, a guy sharing my sense of humor and love for fantasy, on WhatsApp about Prague AND the weather. We played QUIDDITCH (!!!) in the swimming pool, and went for ice cream at two in the morning. Twice. 

Can I marry the ice cream? 

Also, football. I'm highly disappointed with how the World Cup ended, but what can I do? I never was and probably never will be a fan of Germany when it comes to football (and language for that matter) so I hoped for Argentina to win when Spain got out pretty much in the beginning, but never mind.

By the way, sorry sweetie, I am still just as cheese-coloured as I was when I left, hah. :D

Plus, we didn't go for a trip we were planning since it was way more expensive than we expected, so I didn't really take many photos, only like a hundred, haha (to compare, last year in Greece, I took over four hundred photos in four days, hah). So, I picked some of them, enjoy, and I'll probably write again during the week. Or I won't. We'll see. Ciao. 

Stromboli. Sunset. Uneven horizon. Hah. "Postcard photo", but I still like it.

6 July 2014

everybody wants to rule the world



... so much for promising to write more often and then not giving a fuck for a week. Also, no photos today because I'm a lazy piece of shit. Also, Alexander Skarsgård FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE WITH HIS PORTRAYAL OF ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BOOK CHARACTERS EVER like seriously, this fucking man is a miracle. Hah. And yes, I have been watching WAY too much True Blood lately.

large.gif (500×274)

I have developed two things recently. The first one is a passionate love for Lorde, Anne Hathaway and above mentioned Alexander Skarsgård. The second one is actually one that more like "leveled up" than just randomly appeared out of nowhere, and that would be the passionate hatred for straight people: more specificaly straight girls who behave like whores and straight guys who think they're the hottest person on Earth and that everyone wants to just jump in the bed with them or something.

I mean seriously, don't judge me or anything, those of you who know under which circumstances I got back together with my ex... well, sort of got back together, it's rather complicated... can probably imagine that I'm no saint either and neither is she and all, so you might ask... who am I to judge then? I shouldn't. I know that. But recently, all I see around me is straight guys being treated like shit by their girlfriends who are simply unable to stay faithful or whatever and straight girls lamenting on how the world is all fucked up.

Well surprise, bitch, the world is all the way it always was, you just couldn't keep your legs closed and probably caught some STD because you're one stupid-ass piece of a living barbie doll with so much lip gloss it reflects more light than a disco ball, so PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP your stupidness is not a problem of the world around you, it's yours and nobody is about to do something about it but you so you can just keep fucking with your life or do something with it, your choice.

Anyway, I'm too pissed off and leaving for Italy tomorrow morning, so... ciao for the week.